Breaking the silence…
Well here it is.
After a long time of silence couldn’t but finally burst. And here I am back to my blog hiding from anyone in real life whom I would hurt unintentionally in my long expected current rage.
What triggered it finally you ask??
The news about BM getting engaged in the summer.
The last thing I wanted on that day was to hear about his engagement. I was on my way to GITEX and while getting the news through the phone from one of his friends I got a flat tire at a speed of 160 and started to slow down my driving and shifting lanes till I reached behind the yellow line and parked my car but continued to know more about the news rather than ending the conversation and checking what happened to my car’s tire.
I kept on telling myself that this tire matter was a sign from God to tell me that I could have died at any minute and that I am protected by Him so I shouldn’t feel bad about anything whatever it was and that the tire bursting was better than me bursting or getting a heart attack.
I sorted out a way for my tire to be replaced and while waiting I sat there just having everything in front of me in flashbacks. I wanted to cry and scream but couldn’t so I kept quite and out of no where I started praying and saying different Quoraanic verses and prayers. I calmed down and felt weird as if high on drugs or something but at least I could feel my numb body parts now and the fake big smile I’ve been carrying for the past couple of months was back in place.
I saw him later that day in GITEX and acted as if everything on earth was fine except for the bursting of the tires. I even went out with our friends after GITEX to calm down myself before I drive back for 2 hours, and didn’t let anyone sense anything.
I donno what on earth is bothering me. For a while there I thought that I am over him and I knew that he was going to meet her in his trip and I knew about her existence and I knew that something was going on between them but I kept on convincing myself that everything will be fine and that this is destiny and he deserves the best and if he is happy I am happy and etc. etc. etc. Bull sh*t! For after hearing the news, and all the details about him and her spending all that time together and all the fun and that he only went there to see her not for other reasons and that and this and I donno what it just killed me from inside, not to mention the engagement in the summer bit. I really felt as if someone was stabbing me while I watched calmly.
I really have no idea how I am feeling but I know that I am trying to live in denial for a while until the rage in me calms down. I avoided everyone from friends to family to colleagues for the past couple of days for I didn’t want my rage to burst on any of them. I only told my sister and a special friend about it for they sensed that something was going on with me. My sis was really supportive and for the third time in her life she took BM’s side by saying that if I have the chance to meet other people then so does he. And besides all I knew about his engagement and the details were coming from a person whom we all know loves to say this and that and sometimes they turn out to be rumors or false alarms. She said that I shouldn’t care anymore of what BM wants to do in his life and that I should go on and stop looking backwards.
A couple of months back I swore that I would never write about BM on this blog again for the sake that he reads it every now and then. But I don’t care anymore what else do I have to lose? And besides I really don’t feel like discussing it with anyone but him! But then why should I when I already know how this conversation would go, and how I would end up as the bad person who doubts his sincerity and that it is my fault to keep on listening to his friends’ sayings and not trusting him when he tells me that there is nothing between him and this girl and how I WILL NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND HIM. On the other hand, how could he say that when the girl he is supposed to be getting engaged to is the same person I doubted for months and months before and after our break up???
Really don’t feel like talking anymore for NOW will come back later. I feel like going for a walk now. Yalla will talk to you later if you are still reading this and interested in my ranting - to which i say "THANK YOU for listening".
PS: Yes it really ONLY HURTS WHEN I BREATHE!