Decided to go watch the Da Vinci Code yesterday ALONE for the first time in my life. The movie was great but I still loved the details and explanations within the novel. And as a note to self: never go ALONE again, always have company even if it was Natour il Binayeih (the Watchman;). I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone for I am not in the mood of faking faces and using masks to cover my true feelings of sadness. Lots of weird feelings are emerging lately which I am trying to deny or ignore but to no avail I keep of thinking about them all the time.
Going out of the movies I started thinking what made me go alone and Am I really becoming unsociable? But then it hit me that I am really worrying about lots of things that would make me not say a word for hours and just sit there and think of them and Pray for each and everyone of them to be solved soon. Here they are popping in front of me as I write …
After loosing BM and the fear of meeting other new people who are not even worth the trial, I decided to go on and give some people the chance and I did. I met a couple of people whom I really respect but I do not feel anything towards them except one. This person, besides being someone I knew for a long time, didn’t just want to go out and have fun but was talking about serious commitment to the extent that he wanted to come back with me etc. I always looked up at him and he always meant something special but only as a friend. I enjoyed the time we spent together in Lebanon but was always feeling guilty for I wasn’t ready for ANY kind of relationship at the time being and didn’t want him to think or feel that I was using him to forget BM. Besides to that, every time we were together my unconsciousness always made me feel as if I am betraying BM and that I was not loyal to him although each has chosen a different path.
All these thoughts ended or were put on hold when I discovered a week after my stay in Lebanon that R my bestfriend/sister/world’s closest person to me was being tested for the possibility of having Pneumonia. The thought of loosing her from my life was much bigger than anything in the world I was going through and I started to panic. I’ve already lost someone so important to me 2 months ago will I loose her now also?? Then I went back to my faith and started following up her case through the phone for with her sickness I am not allowed to visit her especially that I cannot take any medication due to the Band I have if I got her viral infection. She is much better now Thank God, her viral infection is fading and no more coughs and sickness but she is still undergoing different kinds of tests in Leb for they discovered that she has SEVERE lack of OXYGEN in her body! Her final results will be out next week so until then pray with me for her to get well soon and be healthy asap. Can’t imagine Abudhabi without her ☹
During the next week of my stay, my sister left and I stayed alone and that’s when I started going out with friends to forget all what was happening around me. I met more people and really enjoyed my time but throughout the whole time I was trying to avoid that special person until he confronted me and said that he will propose now if that’s what it takes for me to see him. It drove me crazy to hear these words from the person whom I least expect to. I solved that situation by asking for more time to think things over especially that lately I’ve been thinking of the possibility of going back to Lebanon for good or even travel to Canada for a total change of my life.
After my lovely vacation in Lebanon I started to get more depressed the last day for I really didn’t feel like leaving. I got so attached to everything there for you feel that you are living a normal life even with a hectic day of work. Ya3ni in Leb people finish their work and then hang out all night and enjoy life. As for here we stay at work all day then go back home for more work then barely sleep and go back to work the next day and so on. Not to mention that in my current work my Job Description is changing all the time, I wouldn’t really be shocked if I find myself next week presenting a Seminar or Presentation in the Presidential Court, which is freaking me out!
I kept on thinking of extending my stay even when I was in the airplane over the SAUDI borders. Yes the thought kept on running in my mind even after I left the Lebanese Land. But who am I kidding? I cannot live in Leb. for I am not used to it; but now that I am willing to change everything in my life why not change that too?
Anyway I had to come back for all the WORK commitments here in addition to the fact that my MOM decided to do the same operation I had 2 years back the Gastric Banding. Her doctor suggested it to loose weight for her legs are not managing to carry her weight anymore. So yes now I have to worry about MOM too.
And you ask me why I don’t feel like talking and why I don’t feel like going with anyone anywhere??? I prefer to throw it all out here rather than talking about it to someone and let them feel sorry for me.
I am always strong and I can handle pressure, I think ;P