Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Breaking the silence…

Well here it is.

After a long time of silence couldn’t but finally burst. And here I am back to my blog hiding from anyone in real life whom I would hurt unintentionally in my long expected current rage.

What triggered it finally you ask??

The news about BM getting engaged in the summer.

The last thing I wanted on that day was to hear about his engagement. I was on my way to GITEX and while getting the news through the phone from one of his friends I got a flat tire at a speed of 160 and started to slow down my driving and shifting lanes till I reached behind the yellow line and parked my car but continued to know more about the news rather than ending the conversation and checking what happened to my car’s tire.

I kept on telling myself that this tire matter was a sign from God to tell me that I could have died at any minute and that I am protected by Him so I shouldn’t feel bad about anything whatever it was and that the tire bursting was better than me bursting or getting a heart attack.

I sorted out a way for my tire to be replaced and while waiting I sat there just having everything in front of me in flashbacks. I wanted to cry and scream but couldn’t so I kept quite and out of no where I started praying and saying different Quoraanic verses and prayers. I calmed down and felt weird as if high on drugs or something but at least I could feel my numb body parts now and the fake big smile I’ve been carrying for the past couple of months was back in place.

I saw him later that day in GITEX and acted as if everything on earth was fine except for the bursting of the tires. I even went out with our friends after GITEX to calm down myself before I drive back for 2 hours, and didn’t let anyone sense anything.

I donno what on earth is bothering me. For a while there I thought that I am over him and I knew that he was going to meet her in his trip and I knew about her existence and I knew that something was going on between them but I kept on convincing myself that everything will be fine and that this is destiny and he deserves the best and if he is happy I am happy and etc. etc. etc. Bull sh*t! For after hearing the news, and all the details about him and her spending all that time together and all the fun and that he only went there to see her not for other reasons and that and this and I donno what it just killed me from inside, not to mention the engagement in the summer bit. I really felt as if someone was stabbing me while I watched calmly.

I really have no idea how I am feeling but I know that I am trying to live in denial for a while until the rage in me calms down. I avoided everyone from friends to family to colleagues for the past couple of days for I didn’t want my rage to burst on any of them. I only told my sister and a special friend about it for they sensed that something was going on with me. My sis was really supportive and for the third time in her life she took BM’s side by saying that if I have the chance to meet other people then so does he. And besides all I knew about his engagement and the details were coming from a person whom we all know loves to say this and that and sometimes they turn out to be rumors or false alarms. She said that I shouldn’t care anymore of what BM wants to do in his life and that I should go on and stop looking backwards.

A couple of months back I swore that I would never write about BM on this blog again for the sake that he reads it every now and then. But I don’t care anymore what else do I have to lose? And besides I really don’t feel like discussing it with anyone but him! But then why should I when I already know how this conversation would go, and how I would end up as the bad person who doubts his sincerity and that it is my fault to keep on listening to his friends’ sayings and not trusting him when he tells me that there is nothing between him and this girl and how I WILL NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND HIM. On the other hand, how could he say that when the girl he is supposed to be getting engaged to is the same person I doubted for months and months before and after our break up???

Really don’t feel like talking anymore for NOW will come back later. I feel like going for a walk now. Yalla will talk to you later if you are still reading this and interested in my ranting - to which i say "THANK YOU for listening".

Ciao.

PS: Yes it really ONLY HURTS WHEN I BREATHE!

9 Comments:

Blogger Jane said...

I wish I had some words to console you. Dear, I've been in a similar situation and let me tell you that your feelings are totally normal. It is not shocking or unreasonable that you feel hurt and upset and even angry. I am always here if you need me. You have my email.

12:16 AM, December 02, 2006  
Blogger Rain said...

Sweet ATC ... I think with this news u can now get over it compeletely and any bond even subconcsious one will be cut now to let u go on on ur life dear ... I hope Allah grant u patience and strength thru this stage.

8:00 PM, December 03, 2006  
Blogger Unruly Spring said...

Hello dearie...Well, it only makes sense to see where things are now and never look back. Coz where you are now is where you are meant to be. And this means that there is someone else for you. I've been there and I can relate to what you're feeling, but I also trust that the end result is far better than what I have ever imagined. And inshaAllah so it will be for you too :) Keep living, keep loving and keep the faith :)

1:25 AM, December 08, 2006  
Blogger Me said...

Take your time ya ATC... don't rush yourself into what you think is "closure" ... give yourself all the time you need to get over it ... it may take time ... but believe me.. from previous experience.. when you heal ..you eventually heal completely... happened to me a couple of years ago.. rushed myself into getting over it at first..but found there was no point in doing so ... al7amdulilah .. I'm finally there ... where I don't think I have hard feelings any more... took time .. yes... but am a better person now befadl Allah...

And always remember
"But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not." (Al Baqarah: 216)

2albi m3aki ya gameela :-)

5:42 PM, December 08, 2006  
Blogger LouLou said...

ATC,

Sorry to see you're still going through difficult times. Be strong and tomorrow will be better ISA. Hearts mend. We just have to give them time.

I still think it's his loss.:)

2:52 PM, December 10, 2006  
Blogger roora said...

i am sorry to read that you are in hurt. I believe that time heals a lot and makes alot as well. Just stick to the patience, and believe in God's will afterall. ISA you will get over it soon and you will be granted by whom you deserve and makes it up for you ISA.

12:48 AM, December 16, 2006  
Blogger doshar said...

oh dear ATC... I know how you feel , (I think), I know first hand... yes you will be angry... because the anger comes... when the pain comes.. and with it the reality of how much he is at blame...

but after a while your thoughts will settle down... and you will get better... but word of advice... if you can avoid people in common (his friends... etc) then do. do new things... Rabbena ma3aky wallahi... we rabbena ya3afeeki dayman... amen

12:45 AM, December 19, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Thank you all, that's all i can say now. It's great to see you all around, been long time since i heard from a lot of you. Glad to know you're all well. May God bless you all.

9:09 AM, December 19, 2006  
Blogger MYLENE said...

Hi, i've read your blog and i was moved by you. I can say that we have a similar situation when my boyfriend got married to another girl (wc he said he was forced to out of persuasion by his famiy) But 5 years have passed and still i'm feeling the pain. I wish you heal fast! God bless!

11:09 AM, July 03, 2007  

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