Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Worries...

Decided to go watch the Da Vinci Code yesterday ALONE for the first time in my life. The movie was great but I still loved the details and explanations within the novel. And as a note to self: never go ALONE again, always have company even if it was Natour il Binayeih (the Watchman;). I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone for I am not in the mood of faking faces and using masks to cover my true feelings of sadness. Lots of weird feelings are emerging lately which I am trying to deny or ignore but to no avail I keep of thinking about them all the time.

Going out of the movies I started thinking what made me go alone and Am I really becoming unsociable? But then it hit me that I am really worrying about lots of things that would make me not say a word for hours and just sit there and think of them and Pray for each and everyone of them to be solved soon. Here they are popping in front of me as I write …

After loosing BM and the fear of meeting other new people who are not even worth the trial, I decided to go on and give some people the chance and I did. I met a couple of people whom I really respect but I do not feel anything towards them except one. This person, besides being someone I knew for a long time, didn’t just want to go out and have fun but was talking about serious commitment to the extent that he wanted to come back with me etc. I always looked up at him and he always meant something special but only as a friend. I enjoyed the time we spent together in Lebanon but was always feeling guilty for I wasn’t ready for ANY kind of relationship at the time being and didn’t want him to think or feel that I was using him to forget BM. Besides to that, every time we were together my unconsciousness always made me feel as if I am betraying BM and that I was not loyal to him although each has chosen a different path.

All these thoughts ended or were put on hold when I discovered a week after my stay in Lebanon that R my bestfriend/sister/world’s closest person to me was being tested for the possibility of having Pneumonia. The thought of loosing her from my life was much bigger than anything in the world I was going through and I started to panic. I’ve already lost someone so important to me 2 months ago will I loose her now also?? Then I went back to my faith and started following up her case through the phone for with her sickness I am not allowed to visit her especially that I cannot take any medication due to the Band I have if I got her viral infection. She is much better now Thank God, her viral infection is fading and no more coughs and sickness but she is still undergoing different kinds of tests in Leb for they discovered that she has SEVERE lack of OXYGEN in her body! Her final results will be out next week so until then pray with me for her to get well soon and be healthy asap. Can’t imagine Abudhabi without her ☹

During the next week of my stay, my sister left and I stayed alone and that’s when I started going out with friends to forget all what was happening around me. I met more people and really enjoyed my time but throughout the whole time I was trying to avoid that special person until he confronted me and said that he will propose now if that’s what it takes for me to see him. It drove me crazy to hear these words from the person whom I least expect to. I solved that situation by asking for more time to think things over especially that lately I’ve been thinking of the possibility of going back to Lebanon for good or even travel to Canada for a total change of my life.

After my lovely vacation in Lebanon I started to get more depressed the last day for I really didn’t feel like leaving. I got so attached to everything there for you feel that you are living a normal life even with a hectic day of work. Ya3ni in Leb people finish their work and then hang out all night and enjoy life. As for here we stay at work all day then go back home for more work then barely sleep and go back to work the next day and so on. Not to mention that in my current work my Job Description is changing all the time, I wouldn’t really be shocked if I find myself next week presenting a Seminar or Presentation in the Presidential Court, which is freaking me out!

I kept on thinking of extending my stay even when I was in the airplane over the SAUDI borders. Yes the thought kept on running in my mind even after I left the Lebanese Land. But who am I kidding? I cannot live in Leb. for I am not used to it; but now that I am willing to change everything in my life why not change that too?

Anyway I had to come back for all the WORK commitments here in addition to the fact that my MOM decided to do the same operation I had 2 years back the Gastric Banding. Her doctor suggested it to loose weight for her legs are not managing to carry her weight anymore. So yes now I have to worry about MOM too.

And you ask me why I don’t feel like talking and why I don’t feel like going with anyone anywhere??? I prefer to throw it all out here rather than talking about it to someone and let them feel sorry for me.

I am always strong and I can handle pressure, I think ;P

16 Comments:

Blogger Champ - Love Hound said...

My Dear! thankyou for your comments on my blog. Well, the 6 bedroom home is coz it's from my job for the whole family but I don't 've family so I live alone. I personaly 've only 4 bedroom home though. LOL! and there 're no weddin' bells anywhere near me. LOL!

So, the secret skills 'll stay secret for now.

About your post, I'm sure you 'll be ok. You just need some time 'n' then you 'll 've some one that is your real Soul Mate. Enjoy yourself. *Smiles*

God bless you....

4:21 AM, June 21, 2006  
Blogger Delirious said...

Wow.. too much info in one post.
Wish you the best of luck in all your endeavours and decisions..

3:19 PM, June 21, 2006  
Blogger Wonderer said...

Yes dear, I know you are strong and you can handle pressure.
Your friend will get well soon isa. Your mum will be great and will even look better than you and you will feel jealous of her:) Also, I know that one day you will meet the love of your life that really deserves you.

Take care and get out of this mood soon.

2:22 PM, June 22, 2006  
Blogger BeeJ said...

Tab where you naughty or nice?Ideal time to listen to Sultan El Tarab

6:21 PM, June 23, 2006  
Blogger Cliche~ said...

YEs it is true.. u do seem like u r handling ur pressures relatively well...but talking or letting it out in general does not undermine ur strength or ur ability to handle....its only natural...

i love going to the movies alone... its not anti-social...its more like MY SELF TIME..its enjoyable and often necessary to spend time with one's self..and indulge in one's own personal space

ur handling the BM aftermath v well... i must say most ppl would ve been tempted to rebound..hats off for u not choosing the easy way out...and good luck doing it the hard but right way:)

2:32 AM, June 25, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Champ,
Thanx for the explanation ;) and more thankyous for the wishes i am wishing it for myself as much as you are wishing it for me and more ;) God Bless you ;)


Del,
Thanx sweetie for the good wishes ;) As for the info, now after seeinf me in the Blogger's meeting yu can relate stories and ifo to faces and real rather than virtual people. I should admit that meeting you in person made lots of your posts much clearer and explainable to me ;)

Wonderer,
I'll try to acheive what you asked me to only if you promise me to do what i asked you to hehehehehe Take care sweetie and hope you're better today. Loads of hugs and kisses.

Beej,
It is the ideal time for EL Hawa Sultan and for the millionth time 23od 3akil w bala masheikel hehehehe Hope you're doing well ;)

Cliche,
First i have to say that i'm glad to see you blogging again on your blog ;) I loved your posts ;) Salam to your Lebanese ACCENTED friend of yours hehehehehe As for going to the cinema alone, i didn't like it for i am used to explain parts of the movie or to hear comments from here and there and this time it was so quite! And if i wasn't too much into the movie trust me i would have stood up and sat next to the guy who was sitting a couple of chairs away who never stopped looking at me throughout the whole movie. He scared me at some point but then i thought what can he do there are other people in the theatre and also he looked cute but shy so i think he was waiting for a kind of an OK signal to approach me hehehehe The only contact we had was when we were leaving the theatre he stood up and waited for me to reach the stairs and said with a shy and polite voice "Please be my guest" and let me pass before him that's why i said he was cute ;)

As for the BM rebound, i haven't even started to rebound or to go through the aftermath. i am in a period which i would like to call "Ignorance and Denial" for i still think that he is such an idiot for letting US BOTH down like that after all what we've been through!

By the way, i have decided to write about US (BM and I) starting mid July for thats when i will start having some free time for my own ;) I will be telling about the whole story from A to Z. Might change my mind later and decide not to publish anything but i know that i should really write it down as a CLOSURe to the whole thing ;)

10:10 AM, June 25, 2006  
Blogger Delirious said...

I should admit that meeting you in person made lots of your posts much clearer and explainable to me ;)

I'm afraid I didn't get you very well...

12:58 AM, June 26, 2006  
Blogger LouLou said...

Alf Salama 3ala your Mom. Hope she is better now. And your friend too inshallah.

About BM am sorry things didn't turn out the way you wished. Am sure it was his loss & that when you tell us the whole story I'll be even more sure of that.

Don't try to decide too much at once. Relax & take it easy.

All the best.

5:09 PM, June 26, 2006  
Blogger Khookh said...

looking fwd for the details.

will you be revealing who it is?

7:09 PM, June 26, 2006  
Blogger Jane said...

There is so much going on in your life! I've gotten behind and missed so much. I don't even know where to begin. So I guess I'll just say that I hope you let us know what you decide to do regarding your love life and that if you do come to Canada we should plan a meeting. I'm glad your sister is recovering. Hopefully her health will only continue to improve. Much love to you.

9:24 AM, July 01, 2006  
Blogger Cliche~ said...

aaaaaaah hahah u just cant seem to forget about my lebanese friend can u? i think i should just introduce u two and get it over n done with! heheh

well i m not REALLY blogging as openly as i used to...b ut i also dont have time coz i m back home in egypt now

Cinema guy sounds awfully charming...awwwwwwwwww... i feel for the shy ones....well "denial and ignorance" r necessary... i think its the first in the FOUR STAGES OF GRIEF.. denial, anger, sadness, acceptance...this is how it goes i guess...well cant wait for ur CLOSURE post...whether or not u PUBLISH IT.. u need to WRITE IT..

ps. everytime u say bm i cant help thinking BMW! sowwy

9:06 PM, July 01, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Del,
When writing your posts you come out to us as a strong character and high-pitched (someone i would avoid to go in a fight with hehehehe) but the incidents that where happening to you where contradicting with the image i created about you. When i met you in person i found that sweet & cute character and an extra low-pitched person infront of me and it was kind of a shock. I will write about it in my assessment next post. But in all it was really my pleasure to meet such a special person like you ;) By the way we have lots of common ground especially in showing people how strong we re while from the inside we can easily shatter to pieces.

11:37 AM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

loulou,
Thanx for your kind wishes. Mom decided to postpone her operation until she is totally prepared mentally for it. As for R she is back i AbuDhabi and Hamdella doing great. She has to go on a course of medications for 3+ months and she has to be very careful but at least she is fine elhamdella and no serious illness. Thank God.

"Don't try to decide too much at once. Relax & take it easy."
That's exactly what i'm doing. thanx sweetie.

11:40 AM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

khookh,
"looking fwd for the details."

Allah ysa3edney 3leik ana ;) Ya3ni out of all people shou baddak ta3rif ba3ed la ta3rif??? hehehehehe As for the name, definitly NO what good would it do anyone?? May God bless one and all ;)

12:02 PM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Jane,
Millions of thanx for the god wishes. Glad you're feeling better and catching up with our blogs ;)

Decisions are on hold now especially the move to Canada for other decisions are taking priority for the time being ;)

As for calification for you and others who were askin gme about my sis, she is not my real sis she is a close friend who is like a dear sis. She is doing really fine thank God ;)

Will keep you updated for sure ;)

12:05 PM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Cliche,

heheheheheh i would love to meet her but then i would have to reveal who i am and then we will end up being relatives from somewhere hehehehehehehe typical lebanese situation ;)

"FOUR STAGES OF GRIEF.. denial, anger, sadness, acceptance" your writing reminded me of the FRIENDS episode when Chandler is griefing his lost love hehehe t kind of cheered me up and raised my spirit ;)

"everytime u say bm i cant help thinking BMW! sowwy" bil3aks don't be sorry BM has nothing to do with his real name. It is a nick i chose to use for him because he IS a BMW crazy person;) So your analyzation was right heheheheh ;)

12:11 PM, July 02, 2006  

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