Saturday, December 17, 2005

I'm a big fat liar!

Yes that's my confession for today!

I've been lying to everyone even myself for the past couple of weeks.
I was always saying that i am FINE and blaming my anger and high tone pitch and not seeing/contacting anyone due to my busy & pressuring schedule.

While in reality i am busy but i cannot concentrate, i am angry from everything and everyone around me, i really feel like being alone, and most of all i am definitly NOT FINE!

*I am not fine for a piece of me is missing.
*I am not fine for i realised what an idiot i have been throughout my whole life thinking that everyone i met was a trustworthy person, and that i would never be stabbed by him/her "meen hay la haram she's so sweet she/he would never do such a thing" NO ONE IS SWEET! But everybody is SELFISH!
*I am not fine for i have to keep on worrying about other people's feelings and health situations and keep on smiling and laughing while i am being torn and bleeding from inside.
*I am not fine for i can't cry for i see it as a way of being weak and i HATE to be weak.
*I am not fine for i've had fights with the closest people to me throughout these couple of weeks more than i've had fights in my entire life with them.
*I am not fine for i always have to hide something from everyone so people won't talk or get offended or whatever like "Don't you ever say you have converted into Islam infront of people for it will affect the family" "Don't you ever say that you have something special with BM going on for people will talk or the parents would know" "Don't you ever be honest as you are fo you will hurt people" "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." ouffffffffffffffffffffffffft

WHO CARES! I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE ! Let whoever thinks think let whoever knows know let whoever hears hear let whoever gets hurt come and face me with it! WHO is getting hurt ??? It is only the idiot ME!

I am fed up giving excuses to people. I am fed up being the sweet and caring. I am fed up being me!
I've been caring for people whom i know from close or far relations since i was 5 years maybe. I was and still always known as the person to run too when there is trouble or need. But the question is who do I, Myself, Me run to?

All i wanted was someone to love me for what i am, care for me, listen to me when i need to talk, and comfort me with his presence by the end of the day so i would feel safe between his arms and sleeping on his shoulder next to his heart so i would listen to the heartbeats that livens my King of all heros.

But where am i now?

With my estimation i would say ummmmmmmm NO WHERE!

I am, as I am typing thinking of nothing but WHY? I keep of thinking of it as tests that God wants me to go through to see how strong my faith is? And if i really converted to Islam for the sake of a person or for the sake of the Almighty him. And that's what keeps me strong... the faith that i can pass the test for i am a good student of His.

Can't write anymore...maybe i will continue later when i have LESS things to say! For as i said earlier I am still not ready to talk yet!!! Yes! What you have read is just a glimpse of all the things inside me but i haven't started the real issues yet!

Please forgive me if i was a Miss Drama Queen but i had to take these small things out of my chest or i would have bursted due to the more things coming through and congesting in me!

Thanx for reading till here. I thought of putting the option of "not allowing new comments on this post" but instead i would want to know your comments but please excuse me for not answering any of them. Thank you.


Blogger Rain said...


The best thing u did is to face urself ,it's the hardest part .. u r really brave.

Life is tough... in order to learn u have to suffer.

You never know ATC, maybe it has ended for ur best..I know it's hard to believe but u won't realize it until u find what's best for u later and then u'll feel real happiness cause u felt pain and sadness.

I pray for God to help u get thru this hard time ... and to guide ur way with his light... hold on to ur faith, he's always there and won't ever give up on u .

1:48 AM, December 18, 2005  
Blogger a h m a d said...

In life we learn lessons. Some lessons are too tough; especially those that break "concepts" that we took for granted and thought that they are "realities", when in fact, they are only "illusions" that make our life easier to life! I remember myself passing through such stages every time a "fragile reality" collapses over my head, but then I learn my lesson and try to recover with minimum damage. Anyway, it is always better late than never.

12:41 PM, December 18, 2005  
Blogger Jane said...

I'm hope that getting these thoughts and feelings off your chest here in the blog gave you some relief. Wish there was more we could do to help besides listen.

6:13 PM, December 18, 2005  
Blogger Xylocaine said...

F: Freaked Out
I: Insecure
N: Neurotic
E: Eccentric

I think you are FINE;P

Seriously, hold on to your principles....Trust NO ONE..and it's not about Religion don't let that bare on YOU!!!

12:47 AM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger Lasto-adri *Blue* said...

slow down a bit.. take it easy...

ضاقت فلما إستحكمت حلقاتها فرجت
وكنت أظن أنها لا تفرجُ

in sha2 ALLAh kheer... just keep the faith :)

2:05 AM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger Eve said...

It would be a fairy tale if everyone in our surroundings was sweet. One can encounter just a couple of sweet people at a time in one's life; all the others are just acquaintances, work relations, interest relations etc... And these are not always as bad as it seems.. You just have to be cautious as to not mix between them; ya3neh to call a spade a spade..

Anyway, go on and fesheh khel2ek. that's what blogs are for & always stick to you faith & principles.

2:22 AM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger Khookh said...

it's ok babe...just let it all's all a healthy part of moving on!

2:29 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Me said...

"Inna ma3a al3osr yosr"

Rabena m3aki..

2:38 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Anthony Shipp said...

i'm sorry that you got hurt. i hope you do feel better. take care.

12:32 AM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

hi Anthony,
Welcome to my blog and happy new year ;) I am much better thank you ;) The most important things have been sorted out and couple to go ;) thanx a lot . hope to see you more here

10:51 PM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger Piper said...

i don't really know you... but i read a bit of your blog after someone close to me suggested it and i gotta tell you the truth... while you seem to have a more positive outlook in your more recent posts you do seem to be going through a couple of difficult things and to be honest i think you expect a bit to much from people...

life is what you make it and you can make it great if you clear up a few issues in your mind... don't expect people to help you out at all because most people have too much going on and while they pretend to care they are too self-centered, superfical, arrogant, and selfish to really focus on other people and their problems... i wouldn't be surprised if most of your closest friends and loved ones fail you eventually... i'm not saying that you won't find a few people in your life that truly care about you and in fact a hope that you find more than a few people, but you have to be strong enough to know that you can make it on your own... you really don't need anyone to tell you that you are a great and beautiful person... just do what feels right and IS right for you...

i know that you feel some of the things have been sorted out and i am very happy for you about that... it always makes me feel good to know that people have worked out their problems for the best and are feeling better about themselves and their lives...

but again all you have to do is know in your heart and mind that you are a beautiful person and if your faith keeps you strong then combine those two ideas and you'll be a lot better off than most people...

by the way sorry if i over stepped my bounds... it was not my intention...

1:06 PM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Welcome to my blog ;) Glad you shared your piece of mind ;) I was really going through a lot of hard time and troubles for i lost hope in everything around me. I tried to work most of the problems i had in a way not to hurt anyone as usual. But at the end of the and when you come to think of it the people i was refering too are people i cannot take out of my life for whatever reason. Anyway in short everything is somehow fine now with some gaps here and there but until now things are going FINE elhamdella.

Thank you for your thought and hope to see here more ;)

12:25 AM, January 07, 2006  
Blogger Piper said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:42 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Piper said...

sorry i deleted my last comment by mistake... i just wanted to say that i am glad you a doing well and i hope you stay happy...

12:59 PM, January 09, 2006  

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