Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hats 4 Everyone ;)

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy everyone ;) I am giving out hats for everyone and everything ;)
If you've been reading the prior posts you will know that i stole Santa's hat until he gets me what i want for Christmas. Then i had to return it for the sake of good deeds. And now i am giving hats for everyone for I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY ;) Santa gave me what i wanted and more for christmas ;) BM and I are back ;) Can't express the happiness i am in but i will always say THANK YOU GOD for everything all the time. And guess what, too, he did the first move for the first time, he was the one to trigger the return and also we discussed everything out in the open and everything is back on track ;) And for the first time EVER i hear the words that he wants me always in his life ;) Although i should be honest by saying that i could feel the fear in him while taking such a step but i also could feel that he wanted it to happen as much as i did.

Kisses and hugs and hats to all x x x

me ;)

ps: Thank you all for everything, I really mean it. All your comments on my previous posts were so precious and always kept my faith going on and on and strengthening. Sorry for not answering them but at that time somethings were better left unreplied to. Thank you again and again and again ;) May God bless you all.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Season's Greetings

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I'm a big fat liar!

Yes that's my confession for today!

I've been lying to everyone even myself for the past couple of weeks.
I was always saying that i am FINE and blaming my anger and high tone pitch and not seeing/contacting anyone due to my busy & pressuring schedule.

While in reality i am busy but i cannot concentrate, i am angry from everything and everyone around me, i really feel like being alone, and most of all i am definitly NOT FINE!

*I am not fine for a piece of me is missing.
*I am not fine for i realised what an idiot i have been throughout my whole life thinking that everyone i met was a trustworthy person, and that i would never be stabbed by him/her "meen hay la haram she's so sweet she/he would never do such a thing" NO ONE IS SWEET! But everybody is SELFISH!
*I am not fine for i have to keep on worrying about other people's feelings and health situations and keep on smiling and laughing while i am being torn and bleeding from inside.
*I am not fine for i can't cry for i see it as a way of being weak and i HATE to be weak.
*I am not fine for i've had fights with the closest people to me throughout these couple of weeks more than i've had fights in my entire life with them.
*I am not fine for i always have to hide something from everyone so people won't talk or get offended or whatever like "Don't you ever say you have converted into Islam infront of people for it will affect the family" "Don't you ever say that you have something special with BM going on for people will talk or the parents would know" "Don't you ever be honest as you are fo you will hurt people" "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." "DON"T YOU EVER..." ouffffffffffffffffffffffffft

WHO CARES! I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE ! Let whoever thinks think let whoever knows know let whoever hears hear let whoever gets hurt come and face me with it! WHO is getting hurt ??? It is only the idiot ME!

I am fed up giving excuses to people. I am fed up being the sweet and caring. I am fed up being me!
I've been caring for people whom i know from close or far relations since i was 5 years maybe. I was and still always known as the person to run too when there is trouble or need. But the question is who do I, Myself, Me run to?

All i wanted was someone to love me for what i am, care for me, listen to me when i need to talk, and comfort me with his presence by the end of the day so i would feel safe between his arms and sleeping on his shoulder next to his heart so i would listen to the heartbeats that livens my King of all heros.

But where am i now?

With my estimation i would say ummmmmmmm NO WHERE!

I am, as I am typing thinking of nothing but WHY? I keep of thinking of it as tests that God wants me to go through to see how strong my faith is? And if i really converted to Islam for the sake of a person or for the sake of the Almighty him. And that's what keeps me strong... the faith that i can pass the test for i am a good student of His.

Can't write anymore...maybe i will continue later when i have LESS things to say! For as i said earlier I am still not ready to talk yet!!! Yes! What you have read is just a glimpse of all the things inside me but i haven't started the real issues yet!

Please forgive me if i was a Miss Drama Queen but i had to take these small things out of my chest or i would have bursted due to the more things coming through and congesting in me!

Thanx for reading till here. I thought of putting the option of "not allowing new comments on this post" but instead i would want to know your comments but please excuse me for not answering any of them. Thank you.

Start getting used to it!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Bang Bang!

Bang Bang

Bang bang, you shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

I was five and you were six
We rode on horses made of sticks
I wore black, you wore white
You would always win the fight

Bang bang, you shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

Seasons came and changed the time
I grew up, I called you mine
You would always laugh and say
Remember when we used to play

Bang bang, you shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

Music played and people sang
Just for me the church bells rang
After echoes from a gun
We both vowed that we'd be one
Now you're gone I don't know why
Sometimes I cry
You didn't say goodbye
You didn't take the time to lie

Bang bang, you shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

I love that song it keeps on repeating itself in my head even when i don't feel like hearing it anymore ;) I am gonna kill my sister for that!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

In the Eye of the Beholder

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. (John Lennon)

Life becomes religious whenever we make it so: when some new light is seen, when some deeper appreciatin is felt, when some larger outlook is gained, when some nobler purpose is formed, when some task is well done. (Sophia Lyon Fahs)

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. (Carl Jung)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Given back the hat ;)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Still under siege...

It's that time of the year !

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


R. Buckminster Fuller

"Man knows so much and does so little."

Monday, December 05, 2005

Interview With God!

Hope this will cheer you up as much and more as it did to me. I found this presentation in one of my unchecked emails from 2 months ago and i really do believe that every thing happens for a reason... Subhannallah now i know why i had to notice that unchecked email today ... for i found the solution to my pain and damage ;)

By the way i have taken the decision and acted on it. Until now no one knows about it except the one person majorly affected by it and i didn't even see any reaction towards announcing my decison but that's normal i am used to it by now it will take a couple of days before i get the results or the reaction ... as always in God i believe and will always do. Thank you all for your support and here is my thank you to you... I will share my little jewel which helped me through this time... Interview with God

May He bless you all and always keep you smiling ;)

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pain & Damage

How much pain can the people we love and care for give us? How much emotional/mental/physical damage can they do?

What worries/kills me more is that they usually know what they cause but try to deny the fact so they wouldn't have to confront us or to say "Sorry"; for they know how deep they have stabbed us to the extent that no words nor actions can heal the pain nor recover the damage!

Good bye Love & Care and may you rest in peace. More moments of silence to follow ...