Sunday, October 09, 2005

Countdown to turning 27...

Yes it is countdown for me to turn 27. Yes i will be turning 27 years old in a couple of days. So yesterday was the day i went through my acheivements and thoughts for the past 26 years and i was 95% happy with everything from my family to my work to my masters degree to my friends etc. But there is always a BUT... As much as i am proud of the things i have done throughout my 26 years but still i always feel a lack in something. I am the kind of person who isn't pleased with the current status i always want better and more and higher etc. i am sure you got the gist. I always kill myself to reach something i want and when i do after lots of hardworking, i would be pleased at that moment and the next day i would be looking either for another challenge or something more of it. It is tiring to be like that but Routine kills me. So i try to change as much as possible. That's why you'll always find changes in my house either by decorations, ornaments, or furniture ;)

Anyway the BUT for this year wasn't family nor achievement nor work nor anything. It was and is my soulmate. I look at our status together and wonder why? why does the situation have to be like that ? why couldn't things be different? We've been together for 2 years now and i love him so much and i do know he shares with me the same feelings but then what. If i thought of it of how i planned my life i should have been married since 2 years now and by turning 27 i would have my first baby. But is seems nothing works as you planned and c'est la vie! We've been through lots of ups and downs which were harder than the current time and we both went through it and passed it TOGETHER. But for the last couple of months i feel somthing wrong is going on. I think i have expected too much from him and he never understands what i want or need. I try my best to fulfill all his needs and i know that he knows that but i can't see him doing the same for me. By turning 27 i should have chosen the person i would be spending my life with and i can assure myself that i want nothing from life but to be his wife and he being my kids' father. He is so gentle, sweet, sociable, lovable, a real man, stands by you when needed, and most of all has the highest morals and sense of humor. I know that he is the one and i keep praying to God to make things happen as easy and as soon as possible. Tha past couple of months have been more like a dry spell were i felt that he was really so so so far away for most of the time. I do understand that he was busy with millions and millions of tasks and pending job at work dur o his continuous flights throughout the year. But what i do not understand is how can he spend a whole day without calling and checking that i am fine? Why should it be always me taking the firt move? I tend to call him more than he does. Or to put it in a more true case i tend to call while he DOES NOT. I am tired i've been through alot this month and he was always busy that i couldn't find time to tell him. Loads of important things were changing in my life and still he had no clue. What kills me more is that i remember every single detail he tells me and keep asking him about its progress or state while he never does the same with me. He knows that i am very sensitive and that i like to be cared for (who doesn't) but he is not used on doing such things with me while i see him doing that with others and it scares me like hell. I donno if i am becoming so paranoid about it for i am always thinking of it. I am always mad at him until he calls and then i act as if i am fine so i won't upset him for he has lots of responsibilities to worry about and he calls me when he either has to tll me something or when he notices that i haven't spoken to him for a day or more (which means i am upset).

I donno why am i jotting all of this here but i think that i cried myself out yesterday thinking of all of this and how much i am really attached to him but not able to make him change his way with me as soon as i can. He keeps on telling me that he will change but until when? I should give him some credit that yes he did pass a long way from when we started until now but not at the pace i was expecting. I remember when i took my Yoga/meditation class the first thing they taught us was not to expect things for they will ruin the real thing and i think that this is the case with me today.

Anyway i have a lot mor o say which i will continue later today but until now i thought that this is a big relief.

I am already hating the concept of turning 27 without being settled in my love/marriage life.

Anyway thanx for reading all of this if you made it till the end of my long long post.

ciao and may God bless you all and him especially ;)

12 Comments:

Blogger Wonderer said...

Marriage is Naseeb. Your Naseed is waiting for you somewhere.

Unlike you, I am married and I have a son. However, when I turned 31, couple of month ago, I felt the same feeling of emptiness you're feeling now. I said to myself ... then what?

I didn't achieve anything. I've quit my work to prepare my masters degree in raising my kid, cooking, and just being a wife.

Beleive me, you will never get everything you want ... el donia mabtdeesh me7tag (life will never give he who asks).

Try to be happy with your achievements, and wait patiently for your naseeb.

good luck,

10:08 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Khookh said...

This is happy birthday in advance.

But i'm still wondering if i really should give you a piece of my thought about your man.

Only after your permission.

Waiting!
k

10:40 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

wonderer,

Why do you think that being a wife and a mom is not achieving anything.

By being a wife you have decided to be part of the world as a new family of your own. You are a wife of someone and a mother too. By being a mother you have acieved the highest rank and honor a woman can achieve. Can you imgaine all thje knowledge, morals, life, smiles, memories etc. that you influence your son with every single day. That alone is the best achievment for yourself, your surrounding, and most of all GOD. By creating a family that loves God and respects society you will have "A woman who shakes the cradle in one hand can shake to world in the other". So i am honored to know you or any virtual mom.

Always look at your achievements through what you have done for your son and then at what you have done for your house as a wife or what you have done for yourself. There is always a chance to finish your masters and ther will be inshallah loads of other job opportunities but there will be only one first step one first smile one first word and one first poop in the toilet rather than the diapers.

I hope you got what i am trying to say. Wish you all the best at all times and May God bless you and your family.

ciao x x x

12:10 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

If i didn't want your piece of thought i wouldn't have posted this on my blog.

Please be my guest.

As for the birthday wishings ... Thank you in advance ;)

12:15 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Khookh said...

Dearest ATc,

i'm not the professional on relationships, but i'm talking to you as a guy now.
I'm very upset by what you said about your significant other's behavior...sounds to me like he either
a-doesn't care too much
b-cares, but is playing games..and is wasting most of his time pretending not to care.

In any which way, I find it ridiculous when only one person puts effort in a relationship and the other does not reciprocate..it' a lose/lose situation...

You seem like a type-A-personality-high-achiever, and you will not settle for second best...

My advice to you is:
you can look this guy straight in the face and tell him that you love him, but you also love yourself and your future, he needs to shape-up or shape-out...
wo bala di7ik 3al d2oon ba2a, la2anno we're not little kids anymore.

Hope this gives you a little perspective

1:34 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Khookh,

He is a definite B but instead of waisting time you should have said "doesn't know how to reveal it". He is not used to sharing his feelings with anyone even his own friends and family (trust me i've seen it). He likes to keep these things for him for he is always afraid of showing these things and then getting weak infront of the others. He has such a highly esteem of himself that he wouldn't tell me that he loves me until he can really propose and i am his. He doesn't mind showing it at certain times either by words or actions but he really hates saying it. As for the time being he always tells me that we always have to think of steps of going back in case things didn't work out the same way we have planned for it. He is a person who uses his mind in a relationship while i use my heart. What you don't know is that our marriage is not that easy for both our parents might refuse for certain personal reasons. But we are both convinced that we are meant for each other. Besides i have done millions of "istikharas" whenever i started to weaken and loose hope and trust me they all lead me to continue with him and if i don't trust faith at least i trust God. I am always afraid of the concept that he is strong because i am but always think what if i backed up a bit would he leave everything. Whenever he feels that i am getting weak he strengthens me again for he knows how much i love him. I know you might think i am crazy and stupid but i am not. I am living this and i know what i am talking about. I am getting so attached to him and i know that i will never ever ever except a NO as an answer from any of the parents (May God Bless Them). But what aches from all of this is that we are both not young and this situation may continue for a couple of years to go. So i wouldn't want to have my "twins" when i am 30. hehehehe yup "twins" inshallah, I love kids and i am crazy about them and he knows that. He always teases me that he will call the first baby boy in his name so he would be X-Junior hehehehe i love him he's so adorable. By the age 30 i should inshallah have my own company and not my first kid. So i know my expectations again are playing a big role in my life but what to do... for i know that it is the reason for all of this depression and pressure that i put on him.

Anyway that's all i could say now. Please fell free to reply. Thanx for caring enough and for respecting my issue.

2:10 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Khookh said...

atc i'm actually touched by what you said.

but i still have to clarify this..
again, from a guy's perspective.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a guy showing the way he feels (especially to the woman of his choice). Behaving otherwise implies insecurities..

ya binteh...YA Binteh, Khairo'l omoor awsatohah..ya3ni lezim yi7al7ila shway il sabeh..

ba3dena when it comes to marriage,there's no Taree2 raj3a (if i understood ur words correctly, this is what he's concerned about?)

And i feel i know what the personal differences are, but I will not delve into that any further...as you said they are personal.

All I can tell you now is, niyyelo 3ala 7obbik..

aktar min hek, good luck, and I hope this year is truly a successful one, on all respects.

Cheers

2:35 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a guy showing the way he feels (especially to the woman of his choice). Behaving otherwise implies insecurities..

"ya binteh...YA Binteh, Khairo'l omoor awsatohah..ya3ni lezim yi7al7ila shway il sabeh.."

Come on i should give him some credit he does but not as much as i want him to. Bass la he does and sometimes without me even triggering him ;)

"ba3dena when it comes to marriage,there's no Taree2 raj3a (if i understood ur words correctly, this is what he's concerned about?)"

When we both talk about tareek raj3a we mean that we should keep everything right and clear between us for you never know what the future is hiding for us ;)

"And i feel i know what the personal differences are, but I will not delve into that any further...as you said they are personal."

These personal reasons are only seen from our parents' view or the society around us but not both of us. For we are both alike in that certain issue but anyway i will not delve into it either.

Thanks for sharing your thought s "as a guy" hehehehehehe ghamartni khayeih hehehehehe;)

4:46 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Wonderer said...

Thanks atc for the nice compliment, my husband also tells me the same thing about the importance of raising a kid. I am not underestimating the responsibilty of being a mother. I am just saying that I have the power to do MORE.

I hope to empoly me in your company which you will establish 3 years from now:))

5:38 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Wonderer said...

by the way, you are welcomed to visit my blog. You didn't read my reflections till now:))

5:40 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Yes i did ;)
But i do not honestly check it regularly. I just got intersted in it since a month ago. But i promise you i will from now ;) Thanx a lot for your interest in my blog and for sharing your experiences ;)

Best of luck all the time and if i ever have this comapny of mine i will post it inshallah if by then i am still a blogger not a retarded 80 years old lady hehehehehehe

11:14 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger BeeJ said...

Positive and relevant change comes from a discontinuous and well-planned shock in any given system. If you feel stuck with the status quo, to the extent that your feelings are beginning to erode, you need to induce discontinuous change within the framework of your relationship.

Judging from what you wrote, I think you need to put this guy to the test. You can keep giving yourself as much excuses as you want, but like Khoukh said, it is a two-way road,and believe me, its not to hard to navigate. With all due respect, I suggest you dump the guy (temporarily) justifying unacceptable behaviours such as not calling you because he is busy or because he 'can't express himself properly'.

You are in a relationship for a reason 24_7, and that reason is nothing but your own self. This is the bottom line. So take a swing at the guy, and watch...

He'll most probably shape up, and if he decides to walk away, then you know (though painfully), that your A-type has not arrived.

I am a firm believer of being alone, than being with someone that I shouldn't be with. Yes, it does get very lonely, but that's the trade-off to a risk that may be way bigger, and ultimately, much painful and time-consuming to withdraw from.

1:38 PM, October 11, 2005  

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